So. One shcootering platter.
Uh, the cheeses are listed.
Oh, I'm going to need about a pound of each.
[deeply inhales]
[sniffles]
Uh, got one of those tickly nose hairs.
Ah.
I'm all good. Okay.
Good. All right, so that's about it.
Carli, I really appreciate you taking care of all this for me.
Oh, no problem. Sounds like a great party.
I'm sure you and Rachel's new house will be quite warmed.
Particularly when everyone finishes the black bean dip.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
What's going on?
Carli and I are just
going over the food for the party.
Hi, Rachel.
Hi.
Well, you're coming, aren't you?
Oh, I didn't know I was invited.
Oh, of course you're invited.
I'm sorry. I'd love you to come.
Really?
Yeah. Celebrate our love.
Great.
And I'd love a chance to get to know you better.
I mean, you're the only employee that Rob ever talks about.
Well, then I'm coming. Great.
And bring a date.
I'm sure you have someone just as special as I do.
Uhhhh....
Or not.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with being alone, you know?
Young single women, I hear you roar.
Okay, yeah, you know, Rachel, I am bringing someone.
I am bringing someone awesome.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Well, that sounds great. Yeah.
This should be fun. Yeah, yeah.
I look forward to meeting this, uh, awesome guy.
Me, too.
-- sync, corrected by elderman --
♪ This is my day ♪
♪ This is my life ♪
♪ This is my one chance to get it right ♪
♪ This is my day ♪
♪ Yeah, this is my day ♪
♪ Working Class 1x11 ♪ Short, then Sweet Original Air Date on April 1, 2011
Hey, what's going on? One of your prison pen pals
requesting another picture of you washing a car?
That was one time,
and after the language in that last letter,
I'm not writing her anymore.
That's a good call.
I signed up for an online dating service.
Aw, I thought I smelled desperation.
I cannot go to this party without a great date.
Well, any luck?
Maybe. This is Derek.
He's successful, funny,
and he doesn't exercise in the yard
in an orange jumpsuit like Rhonda.
Always a plus.
I'm meeting him for coffee after my shift tomorrow.
Well, that's smart. You never know what you're gonna get
when you meet someone on the Internet.
Like that date you got on Craigslist last week
that turned out to be a dude?
Dana's not a dude.
She just has really, really big hands.
Do you mind, Andy?
I'm getting ready for a date here, okay? What?
Oh, come on. You've been putting on that name tag for five minutes.
If you keep looking, you're gonna have to buy me a drink or tip me.
Andy, that was a joke.
Unless those are 20s.
Mmm...
Hey.
Hi.
You must be Derek. Carli.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I just got done with my shift, and I wanted to change.
Of course. I understand.
So your profile says that you're
a nutritional delivery facilitator.
Yeah.
Kind of made that up, you know.
I work here at the deli counter,
but I thought if I said "meat handler,"
I might get some unwanted responses.
Yes, probably.
And you-- you, uh, own your own business.
Yeah. Yeah. I started out small.
A marketing affiliate firm just out of Princeton. Oh.
And I got in on the ground floor
of social media placement, so...
I'm not sure what any of that is.
Well, me, neither,
but the job came with a free gym membership,
so I'm not saying anything.
Um, Derek, do you mind me asking this?
But why are you dating online?
I would think with your profile,
you would just have women,
like, throwing themselves at you.
No. No.
Oh, come on. Successful business,
beach house.
Hell, I stalked a guy for two years
because he had a Jacuzzi.
Um, I was married for a long time,
so I find the bar scene to be a little shallow.
Oh. I'm kind of more of a relationship kind of guy.
Listen, Derek,
my boss is having this cocktail party tomorrow night.
Do you want to go?
I'd love to.
[phone chiming]
Hang on. Yeah. Cool.
[scoffs]
My son forgot to pick up
his little brother from his playdate.
You know what? I'm sorry. I gotta go.
But, um, are we all good here?
I'm good.
Okay. Well, great.
Um, look, I just wanted to make sure that you weren't
an ax murderer or something.
You're not, are you?
No. An ax is way too messy, and I have a shallow tub.
Oh.
Well, great. Um, I will e-mail you the details.
And you know what?
It was a real pleasure to meet you, Derek.
I feel exactly the same way.
I'll see you tomorrow.
All right. I'm heading out to meet Dana.
Definitely a chick.
She's just a really powerful bowler.
Okay, come here.
Stand next to me.
Okay, should I wear flats to look shorter?
It doesn't matter. I can still see the mountain goats
jumping around up above the tree line there.
Why don't you just cancel?
Because Derek is a perfectly nice guy,
and appearances shouldn't matter.
You couldn't get through on his cell?
No! Where the hell has he been all day,
trapped in someone's pocket?
I thought you said no more short jokes, Mom.
You're right. You are right.
I am just trying to get them all out, okay?
Garden gnome, midget, peanut. Aghh!
[Rob] All right. I'm leaving.
We gotta get to the alley early.
It takes a while to find balls with holes
big enough to fit Dana's fingers.
[door closes] All right. Listen, remember,
you guys are all in the doghouse for not getting your chores done.
So no TV, no talking on the phone,
and no sweets while I'm gone.
Do you got it? [horn honking]
It's your date, Mom.
How do you know, sweetie?
He's driving a Mini Cooper.
[laughter]
Can I take your jacket?
Oh, thanks.
That's very gentlemanly of you.
You sound surprised.
I'm just used to men that actually take your jacket.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Uh...
Um... How about--
You know, I'll just-- There we go. Yeah...
Carli, you made it. Hey.
Hey, you...two.
And your new house.
Congrats.
Isn't it just perfect?
Oh, it is the perfectest.
Carli, I'm so glad you're here.
Hey, darling.
Oh, hey.
Agh. Hey.
This is Derek.
And, Derek, this is my boss Rob,
and this is Rachel.
Hi.
Beautiful place.
I love the Mies van der Rohe pieces. [Rob] Cool.
You obviously have great taste.
Yeah, they are super nice.
Mies's pieces are my favorite.
Well, thank you, both.
Um, please, make yourselves at home.
Honey, come on. Yeah. I'll talk to you later.
[groaning]
I just feel like I had an accident on my brother's 10-speed.
Ah.
Carli?
Yeah?
Are you uncomfortable with my height?
What?
No! Oh?
No way. No.
No. Um, mm-mm.
Okay. 'Cause you practically walked in here on your knees.
Okay, Derek, I'm sorry.
I might've been a little surprised by it,
and I'm very, very sorry.
No, no. It's okay.
I'm not a tall man, and I'm fine with that.
Although I thought
you would've been the last person
to be judging someone based on height.
Excuse me?
Oh, come on, Big Bird.
I didn't open the moonroof on the Mini tonight to get the fresh air in.
Driving with you is like bringing home a ladder from the Home Depot.
A ladder. Really? Oh, yeah.
I should've tied a little red flag to your head
to warn the cars behind me.
Uh, okay. Oh.
Oh, I get it, I get it.
Okay, so what were you bringing the ladder home for?
To help you climb into your big-boy bed
or to turn on a light switch?
You know what? I like you, Carli.
I don't even care that it's not safe
to stand next to you in a thunderstorm.
You know what, Derek? I think you're pretty great.
Good. Okay, so we've done the height jokes, right?
Mmm. How about we go grab a couple drinks
and see where this thing goes?
Let's do that.
Okay.
Okay, one more.
This is just like walking my 7-year-old to school.
I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.
What are you doing?
Mom hid the cord to the cable box.
This is usually where she hides stuff we're not supposed to have.
Well, Mom said you couldn't watch TV.
And that you're not supposed to have sugar.
Enjoy that chocolate frosted toaster bomb, partner.
We're in this together.
[Pam] What happened?
I gotta go.
[phone clatters]
Mom's sweater!
You are so dead.
You're dead when I tell Mom
you were on the phone all night with your nerd herd.
Study group. Nerd herd!
Look. Smoke.
You're not supposed to leave the wrapper on, dummy.
[smoke alarm beeping] Make it stop!
Get the smoke detector.
[beeping continues]
You're not even close.
Scott! You did it.
Just stop that.
Oh, man.
Are you all right? [groaning]
What is going on here?
Uncle Nick, what are you doing here?
I thought you were going out with that girl.
Yeah, well, it looks like we all made some big mistakes tonight.
[beeping continues]
So your brother is 33, Mm-hmm.
and he lives with you.
Do you mind me asking what the hell's wrong with him?
Well, he sleeps till noon, he doesn't pay rent,
and all of his meals are cooked for him.
The real question is what's wrong with me?
Thank you. I don't know. [mutters]
I'm just surprised some great guy hasn't snatched you up yet.
Thank you.
Derek, I'm having a really nice time.
Me, too.
Um, to be honest,
when we first got here tonight,
I was still sort of hung up
on somebody else who wasn't really available,
and, you know... [thud]
But that's all over now, and--
Um, Carli, do you remember
when I mentioned that I was married before?
Uh-huh. Yeah. Did I mention
that my ex-wife was an evil,
cold-blooded, black-hearted,
devil-spawn succubus?
No. Um, actually,
I sort of think I would remember that.
Well, our divorce was a bit acrimonious. Uh-huh.
And I haven't seen her since, until now.
Her?
[no audible dialogue] She's an evil,
cold-blooded, black-hearted,
devil-spawn succubus?
Yes. Why isn't she burning in hell?
Um, listen, exactly how acrimonious was your divorce?
Oh, not that bad, really.
The felony was reduced to a misdemeanor,
and then I only had to wear the ankle bracelet
for a year. [chuckling]
Ah. I guess that's why, in your profile,
you describe yourself as a homebody.
[chuckles] Mmm.
[chuckling] Okay.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't let us running into my ex-wife ruin our time.
What is she even doing here anyway?
Well, you know what they say.
It's a small world. [chuckles]
What I went through with Megan is no worse
than what anyone else goes through.
Oh, that's good.
Except that she slept with my father.
Oh, that's bad.
And then with my brother to get back at me.
Hey, witch!
Enjoying my Bruce Hornsby CDs? Shh!
Okay, listen. You know what, Derek?
Maybe we should just leave, and, like, quickly.
What are you doing here, you worthless,
spineless, lying bastard?
Well, hi, Megan. I'm Carli.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh, perfect. So apparently,
"gag order" means nothing to you.
Oh, and apparently "Thou shalt not sleep with thy husband's father
and brother" means nothing to you!
It's one of the lesser-known Commandments.
Who is this? Is this the cheap skank
that you cheated on me with?
Okay, "cheap skank"... Uh, you know...
I never cheated on you.
You just made that up to get my CDs.
Oh... And if I had cheated on you,
do you really think I would cheat on you with her?
"Her"?
All right. For your information,
Lucky Charms,
all of this right here--
worth the climb.
You know who really enjoys your Bruce Hornsby CDs?
Who? Your father.
And that's just the way it is. Okay--
Succubus! Maggot!
All right. That's enough. Oh, no, no, no, no,
[grunts] Oh, my God!
Now look what you've done!
All right! That's enough!
Now, I think it might be time for you two to leave now.
Please.
Can you put me down, Chewbacca?
[clears throat]
Uh, I'm sorry, Carli.
Should I call you?
Right.
Oh, my gosh, Rob. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Agh. Just a little blood.
Here. Don't get any on the new couch. Ah. Yeah.
All right, everybody.
The entertainment portion of the evening's over.
Who wants to open champagne?
This girl. Okay.
He had a beach house.
All right. We'll replace the battery when the smoke clears out.
So you guys did every single thing
your mom asked you not to, huh?
That's usually my move.
Will you help us, Uncle Nick?
How is he going to help us?
We're dealing with the three things he's worst at--
cleaning, laundry, and not getting caught by Mom.
Pam, I will have you know
that before I was in a band, I managed one,
and my nickname back then was "the Magician."
Because you always wear shirts that are too shiny?
No. Because I could make any mess...
[blows] disappear.
Can you make all this disappear?
All right.
Just this once.
But only because I want to see if I still got it.
Pam, I want you to dab this
with dishwashing liquid and white vinegar.
If it can get bat blood out of leather pants,
it'll work on this.
Little man, seal off all the exits except the back door.
Take a fan and point it outside.
That's how we got the smoke cleared out of the bus
on the way back over the border from Tijuana.
We were making s'mores.
Scott, you and I are gonna replace the window and fix this table.
Now, I need a pack of guitar strings, a new leather belt,
and a container of high-end hair gel.
You can fix the table with that?
[chuckles] No.
That's the price you gotta pay to get the Magician
to work his magic.
Thank you, Carli. I'll be fine.
Oh, hey, I'm a mom. I can't help myself.
And if you need a splinter removed
or a loose tooth pulled, I am also your gal.
[chuckling] Ow. Ow.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, I just-- I feel like this is all my fault.
Why is that?
Um, my crazy date. Ah, yes.
Which, by the way, he is not my boyfriend.
I just brought him here because, you know,
I didn't want to show up alone.
You didn't have to bring anyone.
I'm just glad you were here.
And I want you to know
that I think this is a really great place.
And I think that you and Rachel
are gonna be very happy here.
Although I think that metal chair in your living room
owes me dinner and a movie.
Thank you, Carli. Yeah. Yeah. This, uh--
This places...is great.
So, how does it feel?
Well, frankly, a little confusing.
I mean, Rachel and I-- we've been moving so quickly.
One minute, I'm not even sure it's working out,
and the next minute, we're picking out Mies's pieces.
Um, actually,
I was, uh, talking about this.
Oh, right, right.
I'm sorry.
No. No, it's okay.
Really. Thank you very much, Carli.
You do good work.
Oh, with three kids, you tend to do this a lot.
And now is when I would usually kiss it
and make it all better.
All better.
Here you are.
Now come on.
It's our big night, sweetie. Right.
Oh, and, Carli, thank you so much for taking care of him.
Don't worry about Derek.
We'll find someone special for you, too.
[laughs]
The kitchen's back to normal.
Where's Uncle Nick with that bottle of wine?
I don't know. He left for the store 20 minutes ago.
Oh, no. Here comes Mom.
[gasps] Quick.
So, guys, what's going on here?
Nothing. Just doing homework, like you said.
Worst Saturday night ever.
Now I know what it's like to be Pam.
All right, guys.
I think you've been punished enough.
So for the rest of the night, you can do whatever you want.
I'll get the cable cords so you guys can watch some TV.
[whispering] The wine.
Mom, no.
We don't deserve TV.
Pam, don't be silly.
All right. There you go.
Go have some fun.
-- sync, corrected by elderman --